It's been SO long - and while I know I've said that before, I'm hoping this time will be the last time. This will probably be rather long, perhaps a bit sad, and more of a stream of consciousness than anything else. Let me preface this post by saying I've come to learn that writing is therapeutic for me. I never really kept a journal, with the exception of the time in high school when my family vacationed in Australia. My mom bought journals for me and my siblings and said, "You should write in this every day during our trip so you can look back and remember all the little details." She literally asked EVERY day during the trip if we had journaled yet... and while it was forced on me and I was quite annoyed at the time, I'm actually thankful now to have those memories written down.
It's been quite an interesting journey for our little family of 3. My amazing hubby is crazy busy pursuing a Doctorate of Chiropractic degree (and loving it!). I am working a full-time job and while I can't say I'm always loving it, I can say that I'm thankful for it. Our little girl is not so little anymore. In two and a half weeks we will celebrate Parker's FIRST birthday... how can that be??! It doesn't seem possible that time has gone by so quickly with her. I always thought it was cliche when I heard people say that children grow up so fast - but I wholeheartedly agree now that I'm experiencing it. Being a working mom is tough. I feel as though I'm missing everything, and though my head tells me that's not true, my heart tells me otherwise. She is changing everyday and learning new things. She isn't quite walking yet, but she probably will be any day now. Parker is a crawling maniac - curious about everything around her. She is pretty much happy all the time... and during her first 6 weeks of life, I never thought I would ever be able to say that. Those weeks were not my favorite, needless to say. :P My sister is a rockstar and watches Parker 3 days a week. Oh - and did I mention she has a little boy of her own, just 7 weeks younger than PJ?? Yes... you read that correctly, she is basically dealing with twins every other day. I will never know how she does it, but I am forever grateful to her for the amazing gift she's given us by taking such good care of our sweet P. My mom (who is also a rockstar!) watches Parker the other 2 days each week and is having a blast with her in between teaching and tutoring. There is no greater blessing than to have our daughter raised by family. I wish we lived closer to Shane's parents as well so they could take part in the weekly baby parade. :) It isn't easy for us to head out of the house each day, knowing we'll only get maybe an hour or 2 together as a family, but this is the season we're in - and it is temporary. I have to tell myself that every single day.
When we moved back "home" to New York, I think we assumed it would be far easier than it's been. We were so excited to be close to family (which we ARE), as well as friends we've known for a long time. The transition, however, has proven to be much more difficult. While we were in Kentucky, life moved on for everyone back here. I think we almost expected to waltz right back into friendships as if nothing had changed - as if they hadn't found anyone to fill our shoes. Don't get me wrong - we still have those friendships... but they will never be the same and I am mourning that loss. And while we were in Kentucky, we forged new relationships as well - ones that I pray will remain forever. We miss those friends more than anything... doing life with them was one of the greatest honors of my life. Moving back was like being in Seinfeld's bizarro world, or maybe more like the alternate 1985 in Back to the Future, Part II - everything first appeared to be the same, yet when we took a closer look... the world was completely different. We are still trying to find our place in this "new world" - a world that doesn't offer much time for anything outside our daily routine.
I am happy to say that we've found a church where I've been able to plug in musically, and we're excited to get better connected to others and become more involved as we join our first small group there. I have found that I am having to get used to the idea of being by myself more often... not for lack of others around me, but more due to the fact that those around me aren't like-minded. This is the case at work - thus why it's been challenging to love it. I am learning to lean more on God through all these things, though, and I know in my heart this is probably why He has us here for this time. It's been so easy for me to keep Him in a little box and only pull Him out when things are tough. I've led a very blessed life and I know I've taken those blessings for granted. He is making me aware of my shortcomings as one of His followers, and it's a painful process... but one that I know will strengthen my love for Him - and that is my one true desire.
But through these tough times and moments of transition, as I look to the future and what my Heavenly Father has in store for us, I am filled with hope. He is changing me, stretching me... I am called to be a light in this dark place. I am privileged to be a child of the living God - and I need to walk in that truth with full conviction. A song filled my heart about a month ago that continues to resonate in me this very moment...
"Restless"
(Audrey Assad & Matt Maher)
You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the heavens
Rising to Your heart, Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty
And everything You are, You are
The keeper of my heart
And I’m restless, I’m restless
Till I rest in You, till I rest in You
I am restless, I’m restless
Till I rest in You, till I rest in You, oh God.
Speak now, for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me
Whisper in the dark, the dark
I know You’re more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless
Tell me who You are, You are
The keeper of my heart
And I’m restless, I’m restless
Till I rest in You, till I rest in You
I am restless, I’m restless
Till I rest in You, till I rest in You, oh God
Still my heart, hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry
And I’m restless, I’m restless
Till I rest in You, till I rest in You
I am restless, so restless
Till I rest in You, till I rest in You, oh God
I am restless... but I am learning to rest in Him. It is a daily decision and one that is still a struggle at times. It's easy for me to dwell on the negative, rather than on all the amazing things He's already done - which is pretty crazy considering ALL He's done. I want to be a grateful child who reflects His image. I am a work in progress and each day He is stripping away the old selfish pieces. I have a long way to go... but I'm refusing to go back. Less of me and more of You, oh God... this is my prayer.
3 comments:
We're moving back to Western New York (Fredonia) in just a few short weeks. We're dreading leaving our friends who became our family here in WV and watched me grow with Ben and then were around when he was born. It makes me really sad to think of it but it is comforting to know that God has plans for us. I'll think of you as we make our transition. It's exciting to move back but also very bittersweet.
That was actually me that left that last comment...I didn't realize Andrew was signed in.
Transition is never easy, and I have heard it from every single person I know who has moved back "home" after living in Hungary. You expect it to be the same but it's not. It's good that people move on of course, but I know in just visiting, just how much has changed and how different people are. It's a sad reality but one that makes us yearn for our eternal home! So grateful that Shane is enjoying his new program and look forward with you to him being done. Can't wait to see you soon. Love you so much!
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